THE INEXPLICABLE PENTAGON

You’ve heard of the Bermuda Triangle. Perhaps you’ve also heard of the Bennington Triangle, the Bridgewater Triangle, the Big Lick Triangle, the Lake Michigan Triangle, the Ossipee Triangle, the Nevada Triangle, and the Alaska Triangle. But, I’ll bet you’ve never heard of the Inexplicable Pentagon.

The Inexplicable Pentagon in the U.S. is so peculiar and so geographically and culturally disperse that it can’t be confined to a triangle. It is bordered approximately by Boston, MA, Miami, FL, Brownsville TX, Los Angeles, CA, and Seattle, WA. Here are a few examples:

  • A bakery in Charleston SC wouldn’t put “Summa Cum Laude” on a graduation cake because they thought it was a sex thing.
  • More than 5,800 Americans gave up their citizenship in the first six months of 2020 compared to the 2,072 Americans who renounced their citizenship in all of 2019, an increase attributed to the actions of President Donald Trump, how the coronavirus pandemic is being handled, and the political policies in the U.S.
  • A Washington DC computer scientist analyzed more than 5,000 tweets to define the phrases “hot as balls” as 84 degrees and “cold as hell” as 48 degrees.
  • “Exploding Whale Memorial Park” in Florence OR is named for the November 12, 1970 dynamiting of a beached 45-foot, 8-ton sperm whale.
  • 85 people who visited a bar outside Michigan State University have tested positive for coronavirus.
  • A Benton County WA woman received an Ancestry.com DNA result indicating her real father was her mother’s fertility doctor.
  • A Washington, D.C. court clerk thought that New Mexico was a foreign country and refused to issue a marriage certificate to a groom who presented a New Mexico state ID.
  • Paycheck Protection Program funds, which are supposed to enable businesses with ten or fewer employees to maintain their payrolls, have been given to members of Congress, billionaires, family members of executive branch officials, celebrities, and big businesses, thus depriving true small businesses of the resources.
  • Not to be outdone by the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts of America declared bankruptcy after numerous cases of pedophilia were committed by Scout leaders.
  • Massive swarms of Mayflies, big enough to be seen on radar, have been invading areas along the Mississippi River.
  • Four St. Petersburg FL men were arrested for selling an industrial bleach solution as a Covid-19 cure in defiance of a prior court order.
  • A Ventura County CA men who vandalized “Black Lives Matter” signs work for sheriff and DA.
  • A Chicago IL dad posed as a referee to help son’s high school football team win playoff game.
  • In 2018, the people of Hawaii got a false alarm emergency text alert saying “Ballistic missile threat inbound . . . this is not a drill.” Civil defense outdoor warning sirens were also sounded.
  • Researchers at the University of Nevada Reno have found that individuals who claim knowledge of fake religious concepts are more supportive of religious aggression, while individuals with accurate religious knowledge are less supportive.
  • 100 Goats, which escaped from a company that rents them for landscaping purposes, ate gardens and left droppings in a Boise ID neighborhood in 2018.
  • 15 adults in AZ and NM were hospitalized for methanol poisoning after consuming hand sanitizers as a cure for Covid-19.
  • A Portland OR writer who wrote a blog titled “How to Murder Your Husband” in 2011 was arrested in 2018 for murdering her husband.
  • In 2018, a man shot himself in the groin at a Walmart near Phoenix AZ when the gun he was carrying in his waistband slipped into his pants.
  • The average member of Congress spends less than 2% of their career working at any blue-collar job.
  • Skittles are all the same flavor but they are scented to make us think they taste different.
  • The National Park Service advised Americans not to run from bears, climb trees, or push slower friends down in an attempt to save yourself.
  • A Christian Church near Pittsburgh PA has skirted state Covid-19 restrictions by meeting at Walmart.
  • A man in Las Vegas was caught on video stealing 3-foot, 40-pound rubber dildo from adult entertainment store.
  • Two Texas men were killed in 2019 when they attempted to jump the gap of the open Black Bayou Drawbridge in Lake Charles, LA.
  • The U.S, military spent $22 million over five years ending in 2012 to study UFOs in their secret Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program.
  • Students in Tuscaloosa AL have been holding COVID-19 parties, the first person to catch the virus wins a pot of money.
  • Five cars and a semi-truck got stuck for ten hours in a 30-foot-tall wall of tumbleweeds near Yakima, Washington.
  • A Fort Myers FL mother, who took her 17-year-old, immunocompromised daughter to a church event where she contracted coronavirus, treated the girl at home with unproven drugs and therapies when she got sick.
  • A naked Grand Rapids MI man was arrested for multiple home invasions, felony assault, and resisting a police officer.
  • The cause of a 2018 Arizona wildfire was an explosion created at an illegal gender-reveal party on state land that resulted in $8 million in damages.
  • As of May 1, 2020, it is legal to compost human remains in WA.
  • Burger King made a sandwich with a green bun for Halloween and found that it increased customers chances of having nightmares.
  • A family living near Houston were attacked in their backyard by a 12-foot, 600-pound alligator.
  • A Roseville CA woman was arrested for urinating on the floor of a Verizon store after refusing to leave for not wearing a Covid-19 mask.
  • A Hempfield PA man murdered his 92-year-old father because he believed his father was a vampire.
  • Two men rob convenience store outside Richmond VA wearing watermelon rinds as disguises.
  • The libertarian Ayn Rand Institute applied for a Paycheck Protection Program loan of up to $1 million under the CARES Act despite their philosophy being that “the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off.”
  • Newport Oregon Police had to remind residents not to call 911 if they run out of toilet paper
  • A woman was bitten twice by an octopus near Tacoma WA after she placed it on her face, causing a painful infection that sent her to the emergency room.
  • A Florida man donned a “Grim Reaper” costume and walked along the state’s crowded beaches to warn beachgoers about COVID-19.
  • A Philadelphia PA man was caught on video pouring a flammable liquid on a house and accidentally setting himself on fire.
  • A Chattanooga TN lawyer was arrested for public intoxication when he showed up to court smelling of alcohol and acting erratically while representing a DUI defendant.
  • The Trump administration is looking into having Trump’s face added to Mount Rushmore.
  • A Starbucks in Philadelphia PA had two black businessmen arrested for trespassing as they waited for a colleague.
  • Thousands of 10-Inch “Penis Fish” washed up on a beach near San Francisco CA in 2019.
  • A 43-year-old Paragould AR man, who drove through a cemetery doing donuts, was arrested for causing in excess of $25,000 damage, leaving the scene of a crime, and driving on a suspended driver’s license.
  • Man arrested for swimming in a 13,000 gallon indoor aquarium at a sporting goods store near Shreveport LA.
  • A Houston TX man illegally used $1.6 million of Paycheck Protection Program funds to buy a Lamborghini Urus SUV, a 2020 Ford F-350 pickup truck, a Rolex watch, real estate, and visits to strip clubs.
  • Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte was expected to be a flop when it did poorly with focus groups in 2003.
  • The toilet of a woman in Fort Collins CO was found to be clogged by a four-foot corn snake. After the apartment complex maintenance man removed the snake, she adopted it.
  • Portland OR police arrested a suspect fleeing in a stolen car after he crashed into an intoxicated woman driving another stolen car.
  • Virginia Republican Denver Riggleman, who authored a book titled “Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him,” was elected to the House in 2018 by a 6.6% margin.
  • The Kent District Library in Grand Rapids, MI has pleaded with patrons to stop microwaving its books as a method to prevent the spread of coronavirus
  • Two West Palm Beach FL men were arrested for stealing 93 eggs from the nest of an endangered sea turtle.
  • A Florida man dressed as Fred Flintstone and driving the car that he converted into a replica of Fred’s prehistoric vehicle, was pulled over for speeding and arrested for acting in an unruly manner.
  • Full-time minimum wage workers cannot afford a two-bedroom rental anywhere in the U.S.
  • South Central High School in Farina, Ill has a Drive-Your-Tractor-To-School-Day
  • Ice volcanoes form on the shores of Lake Michigan where water shoots through holes in thin sheets of ice.
  • An intoxicated 66-year-old black man who waved a gun with one hand and had a beer in the other as he walked along a road near Tampa FL was arrested by police without being shot.
  • No Governor, Supreme Court Justice, or President has ever risen from the working class.
  • A 2018 study by Ohio State University found a strong correlation between the number of an individual’s past partners and their mother’s.
  • A rural ME man who installed booby traps around his property to deter intruders was shot and killed after he opened a door that he rigged to fire a handgun when it was opened.
  • A Miami FL man illegally used $3.6 million of Paycheck Protection Program funds to buy a Lamborghini 2020 Huracan, merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue and Graff, and services at luxury resorts in Miami Beach.
  • A traffic stop of two black men by Chicago Police for having an air freshener hanging in their car was ruled legitimate by the court.
  • A Waukesha WI woman performed a spiritual ritual on a dead opossum in the road, then pulled out a Green Bay Packers lawn chair from her vehicle and urged the animal to “repent.”
  • The Finance Director of Harrisburg PA, a former city councilman, resigned after being charged with three misdemeanors for naked gardening.
  • Augusta ME Police arrested a man riding a lawnmower on city streets while intoxicated. This apparently is not uncommon.

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